Momming is hard

Since I left my job a few months ago I have been a stay at home mom. Let me tell you being a mom is hard. Spending 24 hours a day with a little person that is full of attitude takes a lot of patience. Unfortunately patience is not my strong suit, especially when I am depressed or manic, which to be honest is 90% of the time. Momming is so hard.

I have a 20 month old daughter and two very annoying dogs. I snapped at all 3 of them this morning. I yelled and I hate that because I don’t want my daughter to remember me like that. I want her to remember that her mother always loved her and never feel unsafe or scared of me.

So what do I do? I’m taking my medication, exercising, eating relatively healthy. I don’t know what else I can do to stabilize my moods better so that I don’t lose it with my daughter.

I know moms are allowed to have bad days. I get that. I just feel like when I have a bad day I feel so guilty and that guilt makes me feel depressed and then I can’t be a good mom. It is a vicious cycle. This is the time to give myself a little grace, to realize that the frustration doesn’t just come from my bipolar moods, “normal” people have bad days with their kids too. This is something everyone struggles with. Parenting is hard. Parenting means lots of tears and laughs and snuggles. If every day with my daughter was perfect I wouldn’t really appreciate the good days but that moment when my daughter has been whiny and clingy all day and reaches to me to give me “Ugs” (hugs) and tells me “Love you” it is so worth it. That whole bad day is erased from my memory and I just want to be there in the moment with her.

I am never going to be a perfect mom. I’m never going to stop struggling with mood swings but I have plans in place for the days that I can’t function. And the rest of the days? A lot of coffee and prayer.

Moms, please tell me I’m not alone.

 

Up and Down

 

Today has been interesting. My mood has just been up and down, one minute I’m feeling completely hopeless and the next I’m ready to conquer the world. I know I am right on the edge of being on a high. I don’t like using the word manic. The high is when things get dangerous. I make stupid choices and I ruin relationships, but this time I see it coming and I’m going to handle things differently. 

I know some people love being manic but it is my least favorite part of being bipolar. I am already a very energetic person so when I’m manic I get crazy. I hate the looks I get from people when I’m acting like a five year old. I also hate it because I feel myself acting out of control and it’s like I can’t stop it. 

One thing I’ve learned about being bipolar is if you want someone to stay in your life, you have to tell them the truth about your disorder. You can’t hide the fact that you go weeks without talking or hanging out with them and then all of the sudden have the energy to do everything. When you open up to people about it they understand not to take it personally when you don’t want to talk. They are okay with sitting in silence. If there is one thing I’ve learned, it it that I can’t do this alone. Whether I like it or not I need people around me supporting me and encouraging me. 

This post has kind of been all over the place, but that is exactly how my mind is right now anyway.