bipolar, Mental Health, mental illness, suicide

Mental Illness

*Trigger Warning: Suicide


Let’s talk about mental illness. What is mental illness?

It is defined as a condition that affects a person’s thinking, feeling, or mood. As someone who has a mood disorder, I am living proof of this definition. I love that this definition includes thinking. Our thoughts are so important.  Our thoughts lead to our feelings which lead to our actions, no matter how damaging those actions will be.

Since I got out of the hospital and have been working with a therapist I have been more aware of my thoughts. You can’t be complacent about suicidal thoughts. You have to actively fight against them. It is a conscious decision to tell yourself that you will not entertain those thoughts. That suicide does not run your life.

Your decisions do not have to be based on the thoughts of  doubt and worthlessness. You can control what thoughts you dwell on. When you are depressed it is so hard to handle the thoughts. You don’t have the energy to fight your feelings. That is what makes depression so dangerous. The thoughts that you can’t control that make suicide so appealing.

So how do we change our thoughts. I’m not 100% sure, but I will share what I have been working on with my therapist.

We realized that I have a progression of suicidal thoughts. First, the thought pops into my head. It may be the thought that I could jump off this bridge or step in front of that train. Second, I keep thinking about it. I dwell on this thought, I imagine it really happening. How I would feel before I died, how other people would react. Then third, the depression comes. The idea that I really could go through with it. The thought that I could end it all and that would be it, I would be done forever, no turning back.

So once I realized that this is how my thoughts worked I had to consciously stop them at that very first thought. As soon as I even get an idea of suicide, I immediately have to distract myself, think about something else, call someone, turn on Netflix. If I can stop the thoughts at the beginning, I prevent the inevitable depression that would normally follow.

Do you still not agree that thoughts are important?

When it comes to mental illness, thoughts have the power to end your life.

And your life is important.

Mental Health

Return to blogging

I have not written a blog in a very long time. My life was going so well and honestly a blog about a bipolar person acting completely normal would not be all that interesting in my opinion. But all good things come to an end. I have been having a kind of crazy week since I forgot to take my medication a few nights last weekend. By crazy I mean most of the time I just want to be having sex (but my current boyfriend is keeping me pure) so that has been difficult and then I will just hit this wall at night when I will just have a complete meltdown and cry for a while. Tonight I was doing really well until my best friend brought up suicide in her text to me. I’ve known that she has struggled with depression and cutting and mentioned suicide but I have never really put much thought into it. I dealt with all those things and I’m just fine (well that’s debatable). But for some reason this time it really hit me.

It’s so hard being on this side of it. I’ve been the person fighting to find the will to live everyday but I have never had someone so close to me in the same position. My best friend was my absolute savior after my suicide attempt and I just want to be there for her, but I don’t know how.


Rant of the Day

I need to rant about the people in my life. I am so sick of people talking about me. This is MY LIFE. If I tell you that I’m bipolar, I’m telling YOU, not you and whoever else you want to tell. It is not your job to share the intimate details of my life when it’s convenient for you. 

I share my situation only with people I trust and people that need to know, such as teachers and bosses. If I wanted my friend’s parents or my boyfriend’s best friend to know, I would tell them. I don’t know if I’m just overreacting to this but it annoys me that people think that is public information. And then people try to justify it and console me by saying that the person they told won’t tell. Uhhm…THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID. You broke my trust by telling other people, so chances are other people will break your trust. I probably shouldn’t care this much about keeping it a secret, but the stigma attached to bipolar is so distorted. When people find out, all of the sudden they start being careful around you. They watch what kind of jokes they make and they take away sharp things saying, “I can hold this for you”. It’s like all the sudden I changed from this semi-normal human being into a crazy girl who wants to kill everyone around me and then kill myself. 

I’m sorry about the rant, I didn’t intend to use this blog as an outlet for anger but I suppose it’s healthier than other coping mechanisms. 

Mental Health

Summer nights

Soo I haven’t posted in a while. My life has been kinda crazy and my moods have been all over the place. I also had an allergic reaction to some unknown thing so I broke out in hives. I went to my doctor and he prescribed me with Prednisone. That was not a good idea.
For those of you who don’t know, Prednisone’s side effects include mania. That means mania for normal people, imagine the affect on a crazy like me.
So anyway I was in one of my moods last night to do something stupid but my boyfriend had asked me not to drink, I decided to raid our medicine cabinet instead. I went over to my best friend’s house and attempted to have fun. It was not nearly as effective as I thought it would be.
I learned my lesson though because I don’t think I will ever abuse prescription drugs again.
I will try to blog more frequently if my moods will allow me to focus better.
Happy summer!


Oops, I did it again

Soo I didn’t take my medication again. I’m actually feeling fine except for being tired because I got 3 hours of sleep last night.
Do you guys ever feel like just falling apart? I had a lot of those moments last night and I know it is my mental illness because I have no good reason to fall apart. My life is great right now. I have a good job, supportive parents, and an amazing boyfriend. I know I should be happy and content but I just feel empty. I haven’t been suicidal in a long time and I’m not really suicidal now but I just feel like there is no point to my life. I’m so stuck in the routine of work and school and being social that I’m not finding any joy in it, but the way my moods have been changing I will probably feel different about life in just a few hours.
On a side note, I learned last night how important it is to surround yourself with people who not only support but are also willing to call you out. My boyfriend knows about my illness and he has been so incredible. Last night I was feeling super impulsive and wanted to go get a tattoo and he just told me no. He said this is not you, it’s the mania. I also have this awful fear that he will leave me when I get really crazy like my last boyfriend did but he straight up told me as long as you are trying to get better, I’m staying. I can fall apart and get a little crazy sometimes as long as I am trying to take my meds and eat and exercise. That is the kind of incentive I need. I may not take my meds for myself, but I am willing to take them for him. So I am going to try really hard to take them tomorrow. So find people like that, who want nothing more then to see you live the best life possible.