bipolar, parenting, Uncategorized

Momming is hard

Since I left my job a few months ago I have been a stay at home mom. Let me tell you being a mom is hard. Spending 24 hours a day with a little person that is full of attitude takes a lot of patience. Unfortunately patience is not my strong suit, especially when I am depressed or manic, which to be honest is 90% of the time. Momming is so hard.

I have a 20 month old daughter and two very annoying dogs. I snapped at all 3 of them this morning. I yelled and I hate that because I don’t want my daughter to remember me like that. I want her to remember that her mother always loved her and never feel unsafe or scared of me.

So what do I do? I’m taking my medication, exercising, eating relatively healthy. I don’t know what else I can do to stabilize my moods better so that I don’t lose it with my daughter.

I know moms are allowed to have bad days. I get that. I just feel like when I have a bad day I feel so guilty and that guilt makes me feel depressed and then I can’t be a good mom. It is a vicious cycle. This is the time to give myself a little grace, to realize that the frustration doesn’t just come from my bipolar moods, “normal” people have bad days with their kids too. This is something everyone struggles with. Parenting is hard. Parenting means lots of tears and laughs and snuggles. If every day with my daughter was perfect I wouldn’t really appreciate the good days but that moment when my daughter has been whiny and clingy all day and reaches to me to give me “Ugs” (hugs) and tells me “Love you” it is so worth it. That whole bad day is erased from my memory and I just want to be there in the moment with her.

I am never going to be a perfect mom. I’m never going to stop struggling with mood swings but I have plans in place for the days that I can’t function. And the rest of the days? A lot of coffee and prayer.

Moms, please tell me I’m not alone.




Crazy Coffee

There are two things you should know about me. I am addicted to coffee and I throw around the word crazy. I don’t mean it in an offensive way towards mentally ill people, I think everyone is a little bit crazy.

Anyway as I am typing this I am drinking a hot mocha. I know it’s hot because I just burnt my tongue on it. And it got me thinking about temperature. Please excuse my analogies because they aren’t that great, but I’ll try to make this clear.

For me being bipolar is like never being the perfect temperature. Sometimes I am much too hot and I burn people. Not on purpose, but nonetheless people get hurt, including myself. On the other hand sometimes I am so cold people don’t even want to touch me. Some people want to put me in the microwave and warm me up, but I am a drink that you can’t change. I am never able to find the lukewarm personality that people want. The personality that doesn’t burn people or push them away. I’ve been on medication that forces me into that lukewarm area and I hate it. As much as I hate my disorder, I love the raw emotion that comes with it. I have this ability to feel so deeply that some lukewarm people don’t have.

But are those feelings worth the lost relationships, or jobs, or the inability to relate to “normal” people? Is it worth it to live life on the outside just to feel a pain so real and watch that pain turn into an unimaginable happiness?

I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet. On one hand, I want the control of my thoughts and emotions that other people have, but I also know that even if I take medication the rest of my life I will not think the same way that other people do.

And this is the battle that me and millions of other people around the world fight every single day. I am not my disorder, but my disorder is a part of who I am. Do I need to change that so that I conform to society’s standards?