bipolar, healthy, medication, Uncategorized

Healthy Lifestyle

So I have accepted my diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. I don’t argue with it, I don’t deny it. But lately I have been researching what I can do, besides medication, that can help me feel better and stabilize my mood. I know the first thing I need to do is eliminate enriched breads. I have a gene mutation that makes it so my body does not process folic acid, in fact it actually hurts my body when I have folic acid. So I am purposefully removing any enriched grains and pasta that have folic acid in them. I am trying to eat more vegetables but that is not going well.

My psychiatrist has encouraged me to lose 15 pounds to help with lowering my cholesterol (Yes I’m 22 and have high cholesterol). So the removal of bread helps me cut out some carbs and hopefully lose some weight. I have been walking at least 3 miles every day and trying to get in some core workouts. I am also just adding in things that make me feel better about myself in general.

So here is a breakdown of my plan:

  1. Cut out 80% of my carbs and all enriched foods
  2. Walk or do a cardio workout every day
  3. Stop biting my nails
  4. Take care of my skin
  5. Clean my house!! I have realized that the clutter in my house really contributes to my anxiety
  6. Lastly, I have started “gardening” I have a couple of plants on my front porch to take care of and even bought a strawberry plant

This is my intentions to live a healthier lifestyle that contributes to the work my medication is doing. I am not considering going off of medication because I know right now I need it to be stable, but my husband and I have been talking about when we want to try for another baby. The reality is that none of my medications are safe for pregnancy. So my goal is to learn how to be as stable as possible with or without medication.

bipolar

I add in those quote from Carrie Fisher because I can relate to how she feels. I take medication three times a day as well and it is a constant reminder that I cannot function normally without medication. If I miss a dose, I feel the effects and to be completely honest, that makes me feel like shit.

So here is to living a healthy life, using medication, diet, attitude, or whatever. We can all strive to be as healthy as possible.

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Mental Health

Return to blogging

I have not written a blog in a very long time. My life was going so well and honestly a blog about a bipolar person acting completely normal would not be all that interesting in my opinion. But all good things come to an end. I have been having a kind of crazy week since I forgot to take my medication a few nights last weekend. By crazy I mean most of the time I just want to be having sex (but my current boyfriend is keeping me pure) so that has been difficult and then I will just hit this wall at night when I will just have a complete meltdown and cry for a while. Tonight I was doing really well until my best friend brought up suicide in her text to me. I’ve known that she has struggled with depression and cutting and mentioned suicide but I have never really put much thought into it. I dealt with all those things and I’m just fine (well that’s debatable). But for some reason this time it really hit me.

It’s so hard being on this side of it. I’ve been the person fighting to find the will to live everyday but I have never had someone so close to me in the same position. My best friend was my absolute savior after my suicide attempt and I just want to be there for her, but I don’t know how.

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Uncategorized

Rant of the Day

I need to rant about the people in my life. I am so sick of people talking about me. This is MY LIFE. If I tell you that I’m bipolar, I’m telling YOU, not you and whoever else you want to tell. It is not your job to share the intimate details of my life when it’s convenient for you. 

I share my situation only with people I trust and people that need to know, such as teachers and bosses. If I wanted my friend’s parents or my boyfriend’s best friend to know, I would tell them. I don’t know if I’m just overreacting to this but it annoys me that people think that is public information. And then people try to justify it and console me by saying that the person they told won’t tell. Uhhm…THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID. You broke my trust by telling other people, so chances are other people will break your trust. I probably shouldn’t care this much about keeping it a secret, but the stigma attached to bipolar is so distorted. When people find out, all of the sudden they start being careful around you. They watch what kind of jokes they make and they take away sharp things saying, “I can hold this for you”. It’s like all the sudden I changed from this semi-normal human being into a crazy girl who wants to kill everyone around me and then kill myself. 

I’m sorry about the rant, I didn’t intend to use this blog as an outlet for anger but I suppose it’s healthier than other coping mechanisms. 

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Mental Health

Summer nights

Soo I haven’t posted in a while. My life has been kinda crazy and my moods have been all over the place. I also had an allergic reaction to some unknown thing so I broke out in hives. I went to my doctor and he prescribed me with Prednisone. That was not a good idea.
For those of you who don’t know, Prednisone’s side effects include mania. That means mania for normal people, imagine the affect on a crazy like me.
So anyway I was in one of my moods last night to do something stupid but my boyfriend had asked me not to drink, I decided to raid our medicine cabinet instead. I went over to my best friend’s house and attempted to have fun. It was not nearly as effective as I thought it would be.
I learned my lesson though because I don’t think I will ever abuse prescription drugs again.
I will try to blog more frequently if my moods will allow me to focus better.
Happy summer!

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Mental Health

The future

I’ve been thinking about my future a lot. And it scares the hell out of me. Everyday that my disorder doesn’t run my life I just spend waiting for the tables to turn. It’s so hard to enjoy the good times when I am fearing the bad.
It scares me to read horror stories about the bipolar wife who breaks the family apart, scarring the children for life. Or the stories of not being able to keep a job and ending up homeless. When I think about it, I’m scared because I know how fast I can l become unpredictable and out of control. They scare me because those could become a reality for me one day.
The doctors say I have time on my side. They say we caught it early (I was 16 when I was diagnosed). They say I have a good chance at a normal life. When I think about the future, it makes me want to take care of myself now. It makes me want to fight this disorder with everything I have in me.
To those of you with broken families and homelessness and heartbreak as a result of your disorder, thank you for sharing your story. You are an inspiration to people like me who aren’t quite there, so keep fighting and keep telling people because you are making a difference.

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Uncategorized

Oops, I did it again

Soo I didn’t take my medication again. I’m actually feeling fine except for being tired because I got 3 hours of sleep last night.
Do you guys ever feel like just falling apart? I had a lot of those moments last night and I know it is my mental illness because I have no good reason to fall apart. My life is great right now. I have a good job, supportive parents, and an amazing boyfriend. I know I should be happy and content but I just feel empty. I haven’t been suicidal in a long time and I’m not really suicidal now but I just feel like there is no point to my life. I’m so stuck in the routine of work and school and being social that I’m not finding any joy in it, but the way my moods have been changing I will probably feel different about life in just a few hours.
On a side note, I learned last night how important it is to surround yourself with people who not only support but are also willing to call you out. My boyfriend knows about my illness and he has been so incredible. Last night I was feeling super impulsive and wanted to go get a tattoo and he just told me no. He said this is not you, it’s the mania. I also have this awful fear that he will leave me when I get really crazy like my last boyfriend did but he straight up told me as long as you are trying to get better, I’m staying. I can fall apart and get a little crazy sometimes as long as I am trying to take my meds and eat and exercise. That is the kind of incentive I need. I may not take my meds for myself, but I am willing to take them for him. So I am going to try really hard to take them tomorrow. So find people like that, who want nothing more then to see you live the best life possible.

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Uncategorized

Oops, forgot to take my meds

I’m feeling very annoyed today. I want to be annoyed with someone, but there is no one to be annoyed at, which annoys me. I’m actually just annoying myself I think. Due to me being forgetful I forgot to refill my bipolar medication so yesterday I took just my antidepressants. That made for a good day with lots of energy, but today I didn’t take any medication at all and I am actually regretting it.

My thoughts are going crazy, I am thinking about nothing and everything at the same time. I am not dealing with it well. I am choosing to self-medicate on coffee and skittles. Coffee and skittles are my coping skills. Instead of cutting, I drink coffee. No it does not work as well but you can’t blame me for trying.

I am now on my 8th espresso shot and am realizing that this was not a good idea. It isn’t calming down my thoughts at all. Duh. Ohh well, tomorrow I will try to take my medication. And please no judgement here.

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