bipolar, parenting, Uncategorized

Momming is hard

Since I left my job a few months ago I have been a stay at home mom. Let me tell you being a mom is hard. Spending 24 hours a day with a little person that is full of attitude takes a lot of patience. Unfortunately patience is not my strong suit, especially when I am depressed or manic, which to be honest is 90% of the time. Momming is so hard.

I have a 20 month old daughter and two very annoying dogs. I snapped at all 3 of them this morning. I yelled and I hate that because I don’t want my daughter to remember me like that. I want her to remember that her mother always loved her and never feel unsafe or scared of me.

So what do I do? I’m taking my medication, exercising, eating relatively healthy. I don’t know what else I can do to stabilize my moods better so that I don’t lose it with my daughter.

I know moms are allowed to have bad days. I get that. I just feel like when I have a bad day I feel so guilty and that guilt makes me feel depressed and then I can’t be a good mom. It is a vicious cycle. This is the time to give myself a little grace, to realize that the frustration doesn’t just come from my bipolar moods, “normal” people have bad days with their kids too. This is something everyone struggles with. Parenting is hard. Parenting means lots of tears and laughs and snuggles. If every day with my daughter was perfect I wouldn’t really appreciate the good days but that moment when my daughter has been whiny and clingy all day and reaches to me to give me “Ugs” (hugs) and tells me “Love you” it is so worth it. That whole bad day is erased from my memory and I just want to be there in the moment with her.

I am never going to be a perfect mom. I’m never going to stop struggling with mood swings but I have plans in place for the days that I can’t function. And the rest of the days? A lot of coffee and prayer.

Moms, please tell me I’m not alone.




Oops, forgot to take my meds

I’m feeling very annoyed today. I want to be annoyed with someone, but there is no one to be annoyed at, which annoys me. I’m actually just annoying myself I think. Due to me being forgetful I forgot to refill my bipolar medication so yesterday I took just my antidepressants. That made for a good day with lots of energy, but today I didn’t take any medication at all and I am actually regretting it.

My thoughts are going crazy, I am thinking about nothing and everything at the same time. I am not dealing with it well. I am choosing to self-medicate on coffee and skittles. Coffee and skittles are my coping skills. Instead of cutting, I drink coffee. No it does not work as well but you can’t blame me for trying.

I am now on my 8th espresso shot and am realizing that this was not a good idea. It isn’t calming down my thoughts at all. Duh. Ohh well, tomorrow I will try to take my medication. And please no judgement here.